In case no one told you today, you are good enough.

Have you ever wondered where some of your beliefs about yourself come from? Do they belong to you? Are they based in the here and now reality? Or do they belong to someone else?

Can you change your beliefs about yourself?

Absolutely.

Sometimes, as we grow up, we import the beliefs of others into our own conscious reality and start to adopt them as our own. Like this;

Anything that can be found in the Parent Ego State (P) is a belief, thought or feeling that we have copied from another. These things tend to come from our parents, our primary care givers, grandparents, teachers, siblings, persons of authority or anyone who became important enough for us, during our development, to hold on to their ideas. Over time, and with enough back up information from reality (for example events or words of others that fit with these beliefs) these beliefs, thoughts or feelings can start to feel like our own.

What happens then is this information, borrowed from others and stored in our Parent Ego State, starts to filter in to our here and now reality and Adult Ego State. Like this;

When a contamination occurs it can lead us to believe that these thoughts, beliefs and feelings we hold about our self, others and the world really are ours. We then start to act as if these things are true. Why would we not when they seem so real?

Therapy can help as a way to separate out these beliefs that we hold on to from our own beliefs or also and importantly help us to develop new beliefs about our selves, others and the world.

So again, in case no one told you today, or maybe you didn’t tell yourself, you ARE good enough.

If you would like to talk about some of your beliefs please contact me here:

katycounsellingherts@outlook.com or 07950 345363

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New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings.

Lao Tzu

Everyone has heard the saying ‘when one door closes, another door opens’. Change can be hard though. What if you are used to that one door being open. You know the positioning of the handle and can reach and open it automatically. Perhaps the key for the new door is stiff and it takes longer and more effort to even prise it open. New doors can be a good thing though. Maybe what is behind is different.

Painful endings are still a challenge we will undoubtedly all come up against at one time or another. And what lies further ahead may be better, worse, harder, smoother, different, the same, challenging, rewarding…any number of things.

New beginnings can be wonderful though. A chance to change. A chance to BE different. An opportunity to explore new things or new ways of being. We evolve. We are designed to.

If something hurts and is painful none of this takes that away or diminishes the importance of the pain we feel. Maybe once the pain is worked though something new awaits though. Wouldn’t that be wonderful.

Image courtesy of Michal Marcol / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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Looking behind, I am filled with gratitude,
looking forward, I am filled with vision,
looking upwards I am filled with strength,
looking within, I discover peace

~ Quero Apache Prayer

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What is meant by the term ‘Stroke’?

Transactional Analysis employs the term ‘strokes’ to denote any form of social inter-action where another’s presence is recognised. Therefore any transaction is also an exchange of strokes. While the general term ‘stroking’ might be used to imply close, physical contact, in reality and practice it may present in a number of varied forms.

Eric Berne, founder of The Transactional Analysis movement in Psychotherapy, maintained that, due to the very nature of our creation and early childhood, strokes were something required by every individual and something leading to feelings of depravation if not received. An individual’s need for strokes is highlighted in his book ‘Games People Play’ where he writes; ‘If you are not stroked, your spinal cord will shrivel up.’ Berne adopted the word ‘stroke’ because it referred to the infants need to be physically touched however it is also a need present in the individual as a grown-up.

Berne also described certain ‘hungers’, universally experience by all, and one of these is recognition hunger, the need to be recognised. Since physical stroking is not always an option for the grown-up, he learns to substitute certain other forms of recognition, such as a compliment or a wave of the hand, for the physical need to be stroked. Berne also acknowledged the individuals need for stimulation, both physical and mental and referred to this as stimulation hunger. A stroke, therefore, in the simplest of terms is a transaction which provides the individual with either stimulation or recognition.

(Image courtesy of worradmu / FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

Different ‘Strokes’ for different folks.

The strokes that we receive can be divided into several different categories, these being; verbal, non-verbal, positive, negative and conditional and unconditional. Verbal strokes can be anything from a quick ‘Hello’ between neighbours over the garden fence to a full blown conversation between good friends while non-verbal strokes range from a nod of the head to a hand shake or a hug. Generally most transactions/exchange of strokes, comprise both those of a verbal and those of a non-verbal nature. Positive strokes, by definition, are strokes that leave the recipient feeling good and provide a positive experience while those of a negative nature are exchanges that one may describe as painful in which the recipient is left feeling perhaps hurt or ‘not ok’.

In ‘Games People Play’ Berne notes that ‘any social intercourse whatsoever has a biological advantage over no intercourse at all.’ It may be clear to see why individuals would seek out positive strokes and steer away from negative ones, however this is not always the case. Given that the desired outcome of a stroke is the satisfaction of our stimulus or recognition hunger it appears not to matter whether the stimulus or recognition received is positive or negative. Think of a child that misbehaves in order to receive attention. The attention will more likely than not be of a negative nature, but any attention is better than no attention at all. If positive strokes are not forthcoming then one has to invent ways to receive negative ones. If a child has learnt that all he can do to provide himself with some form of recognition is behave badly he will continue to do so as, though he will not be left feeling good, he will have at least been recognised or stimulated in some way as opposed to being overlooked or stroke deprived.

‘Strokes’ and their place in Therapy.

If we regard this theory in a clinical capacity it is important that when working with clients who demonstrate attention seeking behaviours, the therapist recognises the importance of paying attention to them. Though, perhaps not always healthy, these behaviours provide the therapist with an insight into the clients survival mechanisms, learnt from a young age, and thusly, even if these are to be worked on with a view to altering certain aspects of a clients behaviour, they should be acknowledged and respected.

An important aspect of the work undertaken by a therapist trained in Transactional Analysis is the understanding of how a person gives and receives positive and negative strokes. Because, as infants, we test out behaviours in an attempt to see which ones provide us with strokes of any nature and equally because as adults we still have the same desire to be stroked, once we find which behaviours result in the receipt of strokes we are likely to repeat this behaviour. The more we repeat the behaviour, the more strokes we receive, thus reinforcing said behaviour. Adults will continually mould their behaviours to those that prove the most profitable in providing stokes. It becomes clear now to see why someone would continue to perpetuate behavioural patterns which appear to be damaging. If a person, from a young age has decided that they will seek out negative strokes as an alternative to feeling stroke deprived, as positive strokes were not forthcoming, they will continually find ways to provide themselves with negative strokes and as the stroking reinforces the behaviour that is stroked, so the cycle continues. It is then also possible to use this cycle to create new ways of seeking out strokes and breaking free of self harming patterns. If we were to begin to seek out positive strokes instead of negative strokes, as a grown-up, and we were to receive them with our new behaviour we would be then inclined to seek them out again, repeating this new behaviour.

Changing unhealthy stroking patterns, therefore is possible and a very important goal to be undertaken by client and therapist.

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Asking for support is not always easy. In fact sometimes it can feel daunting and even overwhelming for some. There are services out there which are available to everyone however. Below is a list of contact numbers and websites that you may find useful.

Talking really does help.

Mind – 020 8519 2122

email: contact@mind.org.uk website: www.mind.org.uk

Childline – 0800 1111

Samaritans – 0845 7909 090

Debt Advice Trust – 0800 988 7554

Drink line – 0800 – 917 8282

The National Drugs Helpline – 0800 776 600

Alcoholics Anonymous – 0845 769 7555

Overeaters Anonymous – 0700 0784 985

Narcotics Anonymous – 0845 375 3366

Cocaine Anonymous – 0800 612 0225

Al-anon – 0207 4030 888

CITA – Council for Information on Tranquilisers and Anti-Depressants – 0151 – 9320 102

Citizens advice – www.citizensadvice.org.uk

Asian Family Counselling Services – www.asianfamilycounselling.org.uk

RASCASC (Rape and Sexual Abuse Support Centre) – 0845 1221 331

Image courtesy of  Stoonn / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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I was reminded yesterday, of a quote I once read about armour being designed to protect the front of the body and not the back and that the reason for this is that we were not meant to run from our enemies, rather stand and face them head on.

I think that we can apply this idea to our selves. That we are meant to stand and face our own struggles, our own short comings, our own anxieties or frustrations head on and not turn away from them. If you run from your anxiety it will only chase you quicker. If you avoid your emotional pain or attempt to block out trauma it will grow, outside of your awareness most likely, and return to invade your life in other ways, seeping through your skin and into your dreams, or manifest itself in illness and sorrow, or in any other way that it can. And if you mount a greater defence and keep pushing it out or down, deeper and deeper, it will rise again because it wants to be heard. It wants to be accounted for. It wants to be resolved. It wants you to resolve it and it is resolute and it will not give up. The best you can do is find a way to stand and meet ‘it’ head on. Shake it’s hand, invite it in, let it invade you for a while so that you can then allow it to disperse. If it becomes a part of you it cannot creep up on you and surprise you, or at least if it does you are aware it is there and can account for its presence.

Perhaps therapy can be that armour for you – and support you, while you stand and meet ‘it’ head on, perhaps it is not therapy at all that works for you but something else. Regardless, if you run from yourself you will most likely be caught or ambushed when you least expect or you may have to live your life hidden away in an attempt to never meet what you fear. Fear breeds fear. While it can be tough to face what you most dread perhaps it would not be as tough as living the rest of your life waiting, always on alert for the next time ‘it’ rears it’s head or knocks at the door.

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